I try not to think about you, to divert my attention but bottling it up never helped and when I can't control it anymore it hits me like a huge tidal wave of ice cold sea water, and i'm in too deep to escape.

I need a way out, I cannot handle this because it hurts so fucking much. I can't talk to you, I can't tell you because it's no use. But then I can't tell anyone else because nothing/no one helps. No one understands.

I don't open up to everyone. Yes, I'm a very friendly person,and yes, I'm not secretive about everything. But opening up to someone, it's not easy. Sharing dreams, hopes, insecurities. You can't tell every random person. And I could tell you, but now I can't and it breaks my heart because you're not there to tell me you love me anymore.

Just. Not. There.

And you leave me to pick up the pieces, move on like nothing's happened. And I don't know how to do it. How to not have anyone over whom I have a right. How to not randomly dial a number and expect someone to be there.

My people keep on leaving me, and there's no disaster management, because I've learnt how to give and not to take.

I can't fucking turn to anyone. Everyone offers to help, but I just can't. And as the winter draws closer I'm reminded of promises that faded and it kills me.

I don't know what to do. It's all so incoherent in my head, and when I try to say it out, it's worse.

I need to be saved. Please help me.