I've taken to deliberately putting myself in situations which should hurt me, just to see if I feel anything.

I don't. No tears, nothing. Just a hollowness.

I just do not feel anything, at all.

If I look in the mirror, there is no expression on my face.

I don't know what it is. I welcome the numbness, though.

If this doesn't hurt, nothing can. Nothing will get to me, or hurt me. Nothing will get through these walls. Nothing will ever cause me pain again.

If I try to remember what it used to feel like, nothing comes to me. It feels like everything's always been blank in me. I can think about everything for hours. Days even. And it won't bother me.

It's like I'm what you remember me as just so you won't worry about me.

Please don't, I'm fine.

4 am Confessions.

This post is absolutely pointless, but I need to clear my head.


1) If I block something out, or pretend to be doing it enough, I can almost believe it's real.

2) How does it feel to have someone who's insane about you? Powerful? Guilty? Amused? Pleased? Let me know.

3) I like it when I see emails addressed to me. Personal ones. From real people. Hardly ever happens, but there it is.

4) I have no idea what to do with my life. I would like to fast forward at least the next 3 years.

5) Give me a sign? Hit me baby one more time? Hahaha.

6) I'm turning 18 next month, and I don't want to. It's not any of the "OMG transitional phase in life" crap, getting senti about shit. Seen enough 18 year olds to know its bull. I'd like to be....well... 21? 22? 23? Just out of this "teen" phase.

7) I wish I'd met you later in life. It was the wrong time to have bumped into you. Sometimes, I wonder whether I should stop talking to you and resume contact 5 years later. Would it change things?

8) I have weird issues with people liking me. I have weird issues with people not liking me. If life went the way I'd want it to go, I'd still have weird issues. So I just have weird issues.

9) My friends mean the world to me. You're one of the most special ones. It means a lot when you call and apologise in your own silly way. I like feeling like I mean something. Not just to you, to all my friends.

10) I know I've driven people up the wall with my whining and ranting, and yet they've been tolerant.( Thank you Zh=)) But I can't handle it when people whine to me if I think their issues are insignificant. I don't know if I'm a bitch for it or not.

11) I like being looked out for. I like looking out for people who mean something to me.

12) Despite everything this has probably been the best winter of my life in the past 4 or 5 years. I'm going to miss you losers. A lot.

13) I have peculiar taste in friends. Seriously peculiar taste. I like it quite a bit, actually.


Rest I'll save for my special New Year post.
Hahah. I am so lame. I love it.

Who needs love- Razorlight.

Hahahaha.*rolls eyes*


Oooh darling who needs love?
Who needs a heaven up above?
Who needs the clouds, in the sky, not I

Oooh darling who needs the rain?
Who needs somebody that can feel your pain?
Who needs the disappointment, of a telephone call, not I
No I don't need that at all, not I

I'm, tired of love
Yeah, sick of love
I've taken more than enough

Oooh darling who needs the night?
The sacred hours, the fading life
Who needs the morning, and the joy it brings, not I
I've got my mind on other things, not I

Oooh darling who needs joy?
Who needs a perfect girl or boy?
And who needs to draw, that person near, not I
Because they always disappear, not I

And you know, I'm, tired of love
Yeah
Yeah I'm, sick of love
Yeah
You give me more than enough

I'm gone!

Oooh darling who needs love?
Who needs a heaven up above?
Who needs all the arguments, who needs to be right, not I
But I just can't give up without a fight, not I
No I just can't give up without a fight, not I
No I just can't give up without a fight, not I
No no no not I
Ooh no no not I

The crying all night-all day pattern has already started.
Even before he's left. I'm beginning to feel like a puffy faced fish.
As Min Min said "Dude, we're so emo, it's actually funny."
And so it is.

MakeitstopMakeitstopMakeitstop.Please.

I can't stand being in his presence, I can't stand not being around him when he's actually here.

Either way, I'm going to be crying.
I hate being such a moron.
Yuck.

And so eloquently expressive I am too, wow.

His pictures make the world look like it's exploding with colour.

I feel like the grey area he's never going to notice.

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to.

How?

The tide washes away hums of heartbreak with saltwater, stinging, cleansing. I sit by the shore, feet in water on a cold december evening and think as my toes turn blue and numb, as twilight changes into night and the moon shines in an empty sky. A round, white orb in the midst of vast blackness.

And I think.

I think, and I think, and I think, till my thoughts transform themselves into a mesh of barbed wire that plunges into my mind, and the pounding in my ears grows louder and louder till I can't differenciate it from the roar of the frothy waves, can't tell which is more real.

***********
In the warmth of bed there is cold. An empty, hollow, frozen feeling of oblivion. There is no respite from the numbness that seeps in as hot tears come out in spurts, sudden, stifled, choking sobs. All let out into the inky blackness of quilts pulled up over.

**********
How do I let it happen every time, and why?
So used to it now, I've even got a soundtrack for it. Apparently, my personal soap opera doesn't end.

So, I made the decision that needed to be made.
Now to go about it.Meh.

Sadness. Lots and lots and lots of it. I should fill it up in a bottle and throw it into the sea.