Thursday, May 6, 2010


Won't you take it all,
you silent, beautiful lull,
you endless, sweeping thing that
snatches and snitches on
this solace that has been
gnawing away,
pecking and gnawing,
You pest, you creature, you mirage.

Would you let me forever hold my peace,
If I for that one moment refuse to speak?

I bid goodbye to
your bids on my love,
You sweet, sweet bidder,
Auction me off,
I trust they will
to the highest, to the best-
Perhaps to you and this heart,
this infinitesimally beautiful,
this petrified,
this caged
thing will be yours to keep.

To what end,
For what purpose?


Did I say too much,
Did I say enough?
I don’t know, Silvia.
I don’t know, Silvia…

I don’t know. The questions circling around in your mind will find no answers by stumbling into me- there’s not much to see here, let alone find. You will dig deeper, and be rewarded with ashes of what I used to be, used to feel. Now I can disguise myself and carry on like it never happened. The pages no longer turn, we are no longer dancing in flames that licked at our consciousness and burnt our beings into contemplation. My words are as empty as my soul- perhaps the latter is emptier than the threadbare pocket of a homeless, washed out bum. I’m still waiting for the pennies you may have, to throw my way. A dollar, a nickel, a cent- aik paisa hee dedo, kuch tou dou, idher tou dekho..

Circle round the room still,
Often breaking my will,
Know I can’t have you here,
Someone else on your skin..

Two minutes- all you need is two minutes to forget my face. That’s all anyone ever needed. Really, it’s a joke when we profess our inability to live without one another. It really only takes two minutes, whatever your interpretation of those one hundred and twenty seconds might be. How does one love? How does one find that love? And how does that love last? How does it not break the heart after taking, and taking, and taking- and in one final plunge emptying it of a lifetime of painstaking giving. And when I’m empty, when you’ve had your fill, when I have given it all away, when I am dried up, where will you be?
Not here, maybe in another dimension of my thought, maybe when I will think about you one afternoon- far into the future, far out in the distances I see from my window. I may see us, and I may dwell on it for the tiniest of moments, form one of those impossibly long nexuses; then forget it ever happened.

That forgetting part, it helps me stumble through.

And the lights go out,
Will there be a trace
That I loved Silvia?
That I loved Silvia….

That once we loved and gave and fulfilled and promised.
Once upon that time, so long, long ago..