Wednesday, August 27, 2008


There's a man here in the library who's reminding me of you. Not physically, but his presence is like yours ( and maybe because I've forgotten bits and pieces of what your presence was like, given how long it's been, but forgive me.), and if I keep my nose buried in the book I'm pretending to read, I feel like you're standing here laughing with the rest of the people in here, disregarding the Silence Please sign like it doesn't exist. Like libraries are places where you laugh and talk loudly. The booming laughter, jovial demeanour.

I haven't thought of you in a long time, and when I do remember you, it doesn't make me want to cry like it used to in the beginning. But when this man starts talking, quotes verses from a ghazal, cracks everyone around him up, I'm not reading anymore. I'm not even pretending to. What I am trying to do is keep the tears from slipping out, and suppress the choked up feeling in my throat. This reminder of your persona throws me off guard and I don't know what to do anymore. So I sit, and listen, and wait.

He's probably one of your friends from the club, and I'd like to go upto him and ask about you, but I experience the familiar hesitation most young people do when trying to approach an old person. And anyway, it's awkward. So I don't.

What I do is wait and listen and think about you. I do miss you, and it does make me want to cry, but reminders are always welcome.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

So yes.

To answer your accusation, I was trying to be there for you. I was trying to avert the disaster you were running headlong into. I am aggressive. I am bossy. I act like I know it all. I talk like I know what's good for you when a lot of the time I've not even known what is good for me. I ask you to choose.

All of those, individually, or together as an onslaught. But that's just my way of giving a damn and I'm sorry you don't like it.

And when you made it so clear that you didn't like it, and did not appreciate my "interference" then I just gave it up. How can you say I'm not there for you when you pushed me away yourself? How can you?

I never, ever claimed I was one to run after people when they close up to me. I really cannot do that. It's not my ego, it's just the way I am. I'm there if you want to talk, but when you don't, I cannot come upto you and beg you to tell me what's wrong. It's just not something I do, and hence the awkward silences when I have tried to call you and sort things out. You may, also know that you're a lot harder to reach than I am when you're angry.

This is not an I-Told-You-So, but first, you fight with me over something which I am very strongly against. Then, you disregard everything I say to you, and so completely. And, as a cherry on the sundae, when things go wrong, you decide to tell me I'm not there for you.

What do you expect me to do ?
The tango?

I mean, seriously.

"If you screw up, I'm gonna tell you, whether you like it or not."
Betty Suarez, from Ugly Betty.

Take it or leave it, it's just the sort of friend/person I am, and always will be. I cannot offer apologies and explanations for things which make me the person i am.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I'd like to believe it always comes through.

So take me don't leave me
Take me don't leave me
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you
Because you are everything and I don't want to lose you either. Not unless you promise to return.
And not before I've held your hand.

I dream of that more than anything else.

Monday, August 18, 2008


I am SICK of everything.

I'd have gone under a long time ago if you hadn't been holding me up.

I owe you one.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

On suicide.

" Do you think anyone's ever killed themselves because they're too happy? I mean, what if someone decides to commit suicide because they feel that this is the happiest they will ever be, and it all goes downhill from here?" -- Love.

I like how you surprise with random things that make me think. You're welcome to come in, and you're welcome to stay. =)

Question is, what if?

But then I really wouldn't know.

(8) I might wanna marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body.(8)