If things don't turn out right this time round, I will lose faith.
In God.

Alone.

'Cause in the end, that's what it always comes down to.

You have the whole world around you, and yet there's no one, and nothing.

Here Lies Moonshine-by Pluto88.

A friend wrote this. And I can relate. And hence:


She says, 'You draw comparisons and ask me to choose, to choose, and I cannot think, because you will not speak enough, just enough to cloud my judgment, never enough

'I never wished to speak, never to promise, for fear I would speak too much, and you will not stand it, but you violate our code, and jump the borders -

'The moon sinks so low, oh-so-low it breaks my heart, because it's so surreptitious and you do nothing to stop it

'His whisper taints my judgment, and you can no longer twist it, in your ungodly manner, not that you have reserved even that for me (not that you would sink so low hither),

'They always undermine heartfelt confessions, and you're no different

'You let me fall and slide into disintegration, and I can see it all dissolve around me, while she falls around you

I wish I could say I'm over and done with you, and have the will power to follow it through.
I wish I'd stop feeling hurt over something that can't change.
And I wish, really, really wish, you'd stop.


Just come back?
Who am I kidding.

My last memory of you takes me back to the hospital.
Regret.

Alone.

I can't explain why I feel like this. I've come to terms with everything, I honestly have. And I'm trying not to be melodramatic, because I know that's irritating. But I can't explain it to anyone. Just this feeling of loneliness that doesn't leave me alone. Maybe I've become one of those people who need to be in a relationship to feel normal.

It's not intentional.
It's just something that happens.

And I've posted it here before, but :

" Such journeys have convinced me that it is not always possible to restore one's boundaries after they have been blurred and made permeable by a relationship: try as we might, we cannot reconstitute ourselves as the autonomous beings we previously imagined ourselves to be. Something of us is now outside, and something of the outside is now within us."-- From The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid.

And because there is no reconstitution, we look for love elsewhere, look for one more person, look to divide ourselves even further, become a fraction smaller and smaller, until there's no more us, but just pieces of other "special" people.

I'm scared of becoming that person. So scared. I'll implode, if there's one more. And that is why there isn't.

Closure is a lie. A big, fat, stinking lie.

It's not a bloody competition.
It hurts, it hurts a lot.
All my life I've just lived through comparisons.